I only expose parts of myself to those around me. I expose the parts that I want them to see. I don’t want them to judge me. I don’t want them to dislike me. I don’t want them to question who I am or think less of me. I only want them to see the good parts of me. The nice parts. The parts that I think that they can handle.
The parts that I can handle. They are the simple parts. The parts that won’t confuse people or expose the truth. It is the parts that I am comfortable with. The parts that I know what to do with and how to handle.
Yea they are parts of me but is it the real me? It’s easy to expose ourselves on blogs or when writing because well we can’t see the audience and the audience can’t see us. We don’t struggle as much with being who we are. We don’t mind sharing our cracks. We can hide behind our words and behind the screens.
I’m doing it right now. As much as I am about to expose. I don’t know anyone of you who are reading this or where you are. I haven’t told people that I know how to find my blog. Why? Because I’m insecure and scared of what they will think. When they see different parts of me. The not so pretty parts. The hurt parts
And listen I’m going to be real. I don’t have a terrible past. In reality I am so blessed. I grew up in middle suburban America. My parents are still together, for over 25 years. I think it’s 30 this year actually. Yet I still have scars and hurts.
I know that I went through a phase in middle school/high school where I was super insecure with myself. I thought about suicide. I contemplated ways. I was too chicken to do it. But in all honesty it’s something that still crosses my mind. When other people say they have thought about it. I can understand. But I feel like I am even a phony when it comes to saying that I do understand. So I don’t tell them that I have had those thoughts. Why? Because I feel like in reality, I had and have no justification for having those thoughts.
The Lord has protected me and covered me from so much. Yet I still hurt. My friend can’t get pregnant. I’m jealous of the fact that she’s married. I hurt for her because she so desires it. But I get envious of what she has and I want to go do you not understand what you do have?! You are so blessed with having found the man that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. But you know what I’m going to bust out into praise when she does does get pregnant because I know that my God is making a way for her. He is going to bless her with a family and with kids. I’m hoping it’s 3! 🙂
I’m envious of those who are in a classroom teaching but you know what people are jealous of me that I’m out of the call center that I worked in. People would ask why I am not content with what I do have. Everything is always greener on the other side. We get jealous of others but don’t know what they are battling on the inside. We don’t always know what their deepest desires are.
Sometimes we find people who we feel as though we can open up to. Then something happens. I think it’s that we feel like we let them in too much. We get scared. We shut down. We runway. We say it’s too much they can’t handle it. Why? Because we can’t handle it. We let something slip or they find out through the grape vine and we have to come clean. We have to expose ourselves.
And even if we tell them that we can handle it. They can’t handle it. Or we keep hiding it because we know that it’s not a big deal and think that their thing is bigger than whatever it is that we are going through.
Me I have started to let people in. I have gotten the door slammed in my face and fallen flat on my face. Belly flopped and gotten stung if you will. We all have. We all feel like it is the end of the world and like we will never let anyone else in ever again. We feel like it’s too much. We decide we want to keep people at an arms length.
Even people that we are closest too or people that we live with. We keep things bottled up and don’t talk about them. Sometimes we bottle things up for so long, the pressure builds and our pop tops off, erupting and spewing everywhere. It becomes such a mess as so much is exposed.
Some of us just keep it buried and move through life never really dealing with it and just pretending like it’s not there. We pretend like it does’t effect us and go through the motions of life. We learn to function even though we aren’t really okay. We don’t know if eventually one day it’ll all come crumbling down or that one day it will all be exposed.
Some of us deflect onto others and their problems, never really dealing with our own. We say that ours aren’t worth it and that someone else has it worse than us. We focus on their hurts and pains. We try to fix them all the while ignoring what has happened in our own life.
And other people do deal with whatever it is that is going on with themselves. This can take the form of so many different things. Processing happens in different ways for each person and depends on what they are dealing with.
Keeping people at arms length is only good for so long. We need to find people to really let in, that we can trust and not be scared to talk to. We need to stop being scared to show our true selves. We need to stop being scared to let people in. We need to stop being scared to expose ourselves. We need to learn to be a little vulnerable. We need to be a little more open.
Openness helps us to deal with things and helps others. If people see that you aren’t afraid to truly expose yourself, then they become less scared and insecure. Find someone to really let in. To not keep at arms length. Even if it feels awkward at first. You do not know how much you may bless them or they may bless you or how God may bless you later on. Sometimes we do not reap where we sow.
Ok for real….these are the last thoughts for my night. Maybe I’ll actually get some sleep now.