These are all such important words. These are all things that I really have a hard time with. All day I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to write about. Well that is when I wasn’t stressing about everything else that I had to do.
I will be honest….I love my new job but phew it’s a lot and it stresses me out. I think it’s because I put so much pressure on myself. I am forgiving and accepting of everyone else’s faults and failures. Whatever short comings they have and what to be there for them and all that they are going through. But I can’t handle myself.
I constantly feel as though I won’t be enough…I won’t do enough. I won’t live up to this life that I have been blessed with. I realize that I seem so back and forth but honestly I think that we are all super back and forth. One day we are happy and we are fine and the next something seems to bring us down.
Maybe it is an inner struggle that comes up or maybe it is an outward struggle and something that we have to work with others to fix. Ugh whatever it is it always seems to distract us and tear us down. I personally let it get in the way of myself dealing with myself and being happy with myself.
Honestly in the grand scheme of things I am truly happy. I have so much to be thankful for and most of the time I don’t have negative thoughts. I honestly just want to love on others and help them. I want everyone to feel valued and loved and respected.
It breaks my heart to know that people don’t feel that way and that it pushes them to a truly negative place. As much as I hurt and I struggle with my own insecurities and shortcomings, I know that there is so much more to life than myself. I know that others can relate to my story and what I’ve been through and what I’m going through.
As much as I don’t want to expose my wounds, I know that I need to keep exposing them. And in the exposing, it helps me and hopefully it helps other people. As much as I want to give up, run away, change everything, start over new, I know that I can’t. I know that I am going through this for a reason. I know that I need to wait. I know that I need to pause and I need to love those who don’t want to be loved or are difficult to love. Even when they don’t see me loving them.
I know that there are people doing the same for me. Maybe they realize it and maybe they don’t. Personally I wouldn’t change this.
I love life. I don’t understand it. This isn’t how I would’ve done it or how I saw it. I admit it. I get jealous of my friends who have boyfriends, fiances, husbands, kids, families, better paying jobs, have houses, nicer cars, no debt. But you know what….I truly love my life.
I don’t need to have all the likes, all the follows, the latest clothes, the cutest guy…etc. I want and need what the Lord is providing for me. I am thankful for what he has given me and what I’ve been able to do.
I just want to be used by him and pray that he continues to use me in whatever way possible. Somehow he uses me with people that I haven’t even met. I wish I could share with you all the students that have said that I’ve had an impact on not to brag on myself but because they’ve had more of an impact on me. They kept me going on so many days when I have been ready to give up.
They have lifted me up and God has used them to encourage me and challenge me. They have kept me going. Most of the time I think the people who seem to have it the most together on the outside are the ones that are hurting the most on the inside. Remember to love those people too.
Remember to love yourself. Even when it doesn’t feel like others love you. Remember that you are not alone. You are loved and you do have people fighting for you. I’m sure that you have people that you can call on.
I realized it the other night. I know that if I admit that I’m in the fight of my life, I have a solid 8 people who will fight on their hands and knees for me. I love my life and the people that are in it. The people that I can truly count on…my prayer warriors.
Because right now….as much as I love my life. I’m in one heck of a battle that I feel like I am losing constantly. Every time I get a glimmer of hope…there’s another wall to climb or obstacle to overcome. It’s not easy and at times it seems next to impossible. I get discouraged with myself.
But then I realize that I am trying to do it by myself. This crazy beautiful life is not meant to be done by itself. I’m not doing it by myself. I’ve got my God and my warriors. I hope that you have them too.
I hope that you fall in love with your life. Don’t let yourself stand in the way. Step out of your comfort zone and go for it. It may be difficult but it will be worth it. God will bless you in it. Just keep your eyes open to the blessings.
These are my thoughts for now…stay tuned for more ramblings in the near future. Good night all! love you! Love life!