So why do we hate the process and not trust the process? Why do we always look for the easy way out? The quick solution. The simple solution. The one that doesn’t really challenge us or make us grow. Why do we fight what we really need to go through and what we really need to do?
Why do we not want to go through the process? ugh because it’s hard. Because it hurts. Because we don’t know what is on the other end. We want to do it our way because we think it is best and because we think we know all the answers and have it all figured out.
HA HA HA
I don’t have all the answers. Not even close. …..though I think I did get the title for my first book. Phew….wow…..my mind is blown right now. Oh my daddy (Jesus) oh how he cares for me and has it figured out. His timing and his process is so magnificent.
I must admit…I’m still feeling broken and beaten up this morning. I know full well that if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning. Sometimes leaving the apartment is the biggest feat for the day. And I don’t let anyone know it.
I don’t let anyone in. I’m working on it because I’m learning to trust the process. Life is a process. Life is a blessing. God has blessed me with this life process. No it is not the journey that I ever saw myself going on but now that I’m on it, I’m going with it.
I have always loved people and wanted to be there for them. After college, I met a guy. I thought he was a great guy. We started dating and I thought this was going to be great and that we would make it work. This did not end up being the case. He had hurts that he needed to deal with and he was smoking pot behind my back. He lied to me about it and I fed into his habits as I would give him money because he couldn’t afford groceries. Here I thought I was loving him and being there for him but I was clueless.
In the end I think he did start to come around but I had so disconnected myself from him. I think I ended up hurting him more in the end. Communication was truly lacking with us.
I had met another guy….oh the communication there was interesting too. I thought something was going on with us but then he started to date another girl that we were working with. I was confused. That didn’t last long for them and he and I started dating. He seemed to be much better than the last guy but there were still issues.
I made choices because I was scared that I was going to lose him and well no one wants to be alone. However we didn’t really have anyone but each other. We only spent time with one another. We didn’t really have friends and that’s not healthy. We got in fights and it didn’t end well. I wanted free.
I will be honest….I told both of them that I loved them. Neither one of them told me that they loved me. I think that I only loved either one of them as much as I knew how to love at that time.
My whole concept of love has changed. After the last guy I mentioned, there was this other guy who I thought was going to be something. HA that was a big joke. He was so self focused and unmotivated. Now he’s married and has an adorable baby boy.
Anyway after all that I was done. It wasn’t worth it to me. I made a series of choices where I was more or less just with those who were available. I had flings but nothing serious. There was no depth to them. There was one that was a very unique situation but he was still in love with some girl in New York. I honestly hope that they can figure out whatever they are.
Basically I had two years of singleness and being free. I made choices that some I wish I would’ve made different ones with. I honestly do not regret anything, as well I learned from each situation. I learned what I wanted and what I don’t. I learned what I deserve and what I don’t.
That brings me up to the last year and a half. What a journey that has been. That’s been the biggest and longest process of all. The two years prior was me running away and not wanting to be an adult and be responsible and deal with things.
The fact that I did not end up a single mother or with a disease or in a very bad spot is only by the grace of God. He protected me and it is part of my story. This little bit is just the little bit of what I went through. And no for some it’s not a lot and they will be like that’s part of being in your twenties but for me that was not ever how I saw my life going.
I made choices and decisions that caused me to miss out on so much. I should’ve gone to teach overseas after I graduated college. I should have traveled and explored and not settled. I’m not settling now. Some may think that I am settling now. But that’s because they don’t know my whole story. I’m doing what I know that I need to do right now.
Right now I have to be patient and keep fighting on my hands and knees for a wonderfully beautiful loving man who is going through a process too. I cannot wait to see what the Lord is doing and how he is going to keep using him.
He has used him to bring me back and introduce me to such a different view on life. He pushes me and challenges me and makes me want to be a better person, even when I am pissed at him and want to avoid him.
I have tried to shake him and this part of the process. But I can’t. I think at times he’s trying to shake me loose too but my God has his own plans. The thing is I know that we are both trying to follow the Lord and his plan and trying to do the right thing.
People will look at the situation and not understand. Some people know one half, some people know the other half. We are the only ones who know the whole story. He knows his side of the story and I know my side of the story. The stories together are better.
The Lord brought our stories together for a reason. This process isn’t over yet. It is a hard process. It’s a grueling process. I want to give up the process all the time. I want easy and simple. But God didn’t give me easy and simple. He gave me this life so that I trust in him and rely on him and give it over to him.
He will help me through this process and guide me. He is holding me and making a way for all of this. I’m not giving up on the process. I trust the process. I am thankful for the process. Why? Because I know in the end that he has it all figured out already. I just have to keep trusting him.
Keep trusting the process guys!