remember that once it’s out there it’s out there. Sometimes we post things on blogs or Facebook or Twitter because it’s easier. We take the easy way out because as much as we are frustrated or angry we don’t always want to say it directly to the person. We fear what may happen when we are open and honest with a person so we skirt around the truth with them. We avoid them, ignore them, block them, don’t respond to them. We take the easy way. Instead of talking through it or working through it. I guess maybe that’s us deciding who we think is worth it in the end and it doesn’t always match up. One person usually ends up caring more than the other. I wonder why that is? Maybe it is easier. It’s easier to run away and pretend the last year didn’t happen. It’s easier to say I tried and it didn’t work and pretend that we know the other person. But we can’t do it in our own strength. We can honestly only do it in Gods strength. I write this as I am fighting for my life for someone who’s basically already written me off and thought of me as crazy and not listening. But that’s not true. He doesn’t hear what I say right now and I realize that I am doing the very thing that I said he was doing. I guess because I feel that I have no other option. I guess I hope he will read this somehow and he will change his mind. I know he loves me. I know he tried in his strength to do this and make it work. I tried in my own strength too. Now I’m trying in God’s strength and I know the Lord’s timing is perfect and that all of this is happening for a reason. But I’ll tell you it’s the toughest thing. My strength is not enough. I am so broken and every social media post cuts me to the core and I wonder what I’ve done. I know by no stretch of the mind that I am perfect. I am flawed but he loved me at one point with those flaws. Now I feel as though he truly hates me. But I know the promises the Lord has made to me and what I’ve learned through all of this. I will keep pursuing my God and resting in him and gaining my strength from him. I will not let knee jerk reactions and hurts define me. I will not let distractions get in my way from what I’ve been called to do. My god has not let me down yet so I will keep fighting.
My heart yearns to know and love my God so much more. My heart and my soul are full in that I know him and I’m growing in him. He is my life and he is sustaining me. He is giving me unbelievable strength. He has been so merciful and loving toward me. I praise him and thank him for all that he is doing and all that he has yet to do. My life has been forever changed because of him.
Because of him I can look in the mirror and be happy with myself. Inspight of what I’ve done and past decisions that I have made, I know that he has forgiven me. And I have finally forgiven myself. I will not hold on to my past decisions. All I can continue to do is move forward. I thank him for wiping my slate clean and calling me for a purpose.
I thank him for my assignment and where he is taking me. I know that I have bigger and crazier things in store. I know that I am not alone in all of this. I know that I will have him by my side and my man by my side. I have every confidence in my God. He is a might man and he will not withhold any promise that he has made to his children. It may take some time to get there. But I will get it.
Even over the past few days so much has changed in my soul and my heart. It’s my turnaround for real. I’m going higher and I’m not stopping. I’m not getting off the floor early and I am having to leave people that I love behind. But I’m running to my God. I know that he has a reason and a purpose for all of this.
I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming.
With that I know that there is something that is not right. I am not with the man that I love. The man that the Lord blessed me with and brought into my life. I was not ready when I met him last year. I was still lost and growing.
It took me time to see him. And for that I am sorry to have done that to him. However, he is the love of my life. I have never loved anyone before him. I am not wavering in fighting for him and for us. I will not back down. This is real love. I would do anything for him. I would take a bullet for him. I would die for him. I will defend him til the end. I will stand up for him and support him and love everything about him.
He too makes my heart and soul happy. We fit so perfectly together and are so connected and I fell for him an instant. And I continue to fall further and further in love with him every single day. I feel more and more connected to him every day.
I know that I have let him down and have not made him feel like he is the most important person. But he is to me. I love every single bit of him that I know and I want to know the rest of him and who he is. I know that I will love him even more.
The thing is we show love differently in some ways. In some ways we are so different and in some ways we are so similar. I am working to show him love how he loves.
However, I can’t make him accept my love. He has to choose to accept my love. We don’t necessarily choose who we fall in love with. But we choose to continue to love them and fight for them and put them ahead of ourselves. We choose to love ourselves and choose who gets to love us.
We have to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves before we can let others truly love us. We give pieces of ourselves. We have both given huge pieces of ourselves but not everything. We were both still keeping walls up. Protecting ourselves and the dark places. I’m ready for a 100%. I am ready to be completely vulnerable.
I will show you the best way that I can that this is real love. This is not the easy road. This is not the simple choice. We didn’t start off in a fairy tale way. But that’s not the story that I want. I want our story together. Going to through hard times. Learning things together. I want us challenging each other and pushing each other. I want to more about what it means to love someone.
I want to learn more about trusting God and growing in God with you. I wand to learn about life with you. I want to learn about you. These are the things that I want. That I will pursue.
The easy thing would be for me to run away because things got hard. I could move. I could change jobs. I could change churches. But I will not. The Lord has called me to this place for this time. There is a reason for this and a purpose for this.
I hope that you are learning that this is what you want to. That this is real love. That we can make it through the hard times together. That we can trust one another. That we can rely on one another.
I want the world to know that I am in love. That I am not going anywhere. Even though he pushes me away and even though God could easily have a different plan.
I am not going anyway. I will continue to love you and be a cheerleader and supporter of you. You are a wonderfully, smart, and talented me. No one will ever compare to you in my eyes. No one ever.
Ugh I just want to tell you that. I get scared every time to tell you though. I know that I will get to tell you the next time that we speak. I know that I will get to bare my heart and soul to you, like I’ve been trying to. I know that we will both be ready for that conversation and that moment. I know that my God is watching over us and is protecting us.
I know this not how we thought this journey was going to go. But I told you that I was along for the ride. However it was going to go. I was strapping in. I’m not getting over this ride. This is not my floor on the elevator. There is more to this story. This is a chapter in our book. The book that we will write. The story that we will share. The one that will help other people.
Oh the things that we can do together. Yes the things that we will do individually will be great but the things that the Lord has for the two of us together. He is going to blow our socks off. He’s blowing my socks off already.
I am so proud of you and who you are and the things that you are pushing through and how you are handling things. I don’t know that I would’ve been able to handle it. But people say that with me.
This is not a typical love story but it is our love story. It is such a real and raw thing. Though you need to focus on yourself at the moment. I am going to keep fighting for this love and for us. I believe in us and what the Lord is doing through us and in us. And I believe that he has greatness planned.
Know that this is real love and that it is the best thing ever. Keep fighting the good fight B. I’m going to keep fighting the good fight and I will not get distracted. I am focused on my assignment and what I’m needing to do this season. This season is going to be a quick one. This is the final bit in the turnaround. Big changes are coming. I am excited and strapped in for the ride.
Keep fighting for what you believe in guys. Don’t doubt the Lord’s promises or his timing.
While everyone was focused on the first Sunday Night Football game and the Miss America Pageant, I have been continuing to think about the topic of love…surprise right?
Tonight’s focus starts from the fact that love is patient….
But it shifts into the idea of service. I think the two are very interconnected in terms of the idea of love. We often like the idea of other people serving us and waiting on us but often times become impatient with their service and their acts of love.
We want them to move faster or do it a different way. We get frustrated because it’s not the way that we would do it or how we would’ve shown that we love them. We miss the fact that they are showing us love.
We often in turn forget to serve others as well. It’s a vicious cycle. Acts of service is one of the five love languages, which honestly I’d like to get a better understanding of all the languages. I think that I personally could stand to improve in all the areas, even the ones that I believe are my dominant languages. I think I crave all of them to some extent.
However this post is not about me and what I need in terms of love. It’s how I want to love on others. I want to do better about doing this through simple acts of service. I’m not always the best at this. I don’t often accept it well from others.
I like to help people but I sincerely hate asking for help and letting people know if something is wrong. I’m learning that I do actually have several people that I can turn to. And it wasn’t necessarily people that I would’ve first pegged to be my go to people. But the Lord is great like that.
So back to serving others. I have a passion for people and a love for people. In my hurts and feeling a lack of love, even though I am very much loved by my heavenly daddy, I have learned that everyone often feels unloved. Some people feel more unloved than others.
In reality we are very deeply loved by God. And I want to help to show people this. I think that I have a great opportunity to that right here in my community. We often think of loving others and spreading Jesus love to those overseas. And there is nothing wrong with going overseas. However, I think we often miss great opportunities to love on those around us.
We get so wrapped up in our everyday lives or the glitz of going to another country that we don’t take the time to show simple acts of service and love to those who need it right in front of us.
The thing is we often times don’t know if someone needs something but sometimes there are very obvious needs that we can help with. For instance, helping at a local soup kitchen or Salvation Army. They always need volunteers. Places like that won’t operate unless people are willing to help.
People talk about wanting to help….myself included but I kept making selfish excuses or simply said I was too tired or too busy. No more. I am changing my ways. I am going to help. I truly want to love on people and give everything that I have. I don’t want to just say this anymore. I want to do it.
I’m tired of being selfish and letting myself wallow in self pity and say why. God has a big plan and is going to use me wherever he takes me. He loves me and I feel his presence every day and can count on him at all times. I want others to truly experience what I have.
I have no other choice but to praise him. I can’t help it anymore. It just naturally comes out. My own parents look at me like I’m crazy and say it’s okay to not be okay. Which is true. Sometimes we do have to break down but sometimes we have to pick ourselves up. We need to lean into the Lord’s source of strength.
I don’t know how I’m going to get to serve people in the time ahead. However, I look forward to the opportunities that the Lord places before me. Even if it is things that they don’t even know that I’m doing. That way all the glory goes to my heavenly daddy as it should.
Tomorrow, I pray that the Lord uses me with each of the students I come into contact with and with each of my co workers. That’s something that I can work on in such a small way. We get so focused on doing our job sometimes, we miss those around us who are in need and miss what’s really going on with the students that we are trying to serve and help, I pray that the Lord opens my eyes to those around me and uses me to minister to those around me.
I’m never going to be a theologian or a preacher but I know that my God can still use me. I have a willing heart. I have a passion for people. I have a passion for Jesus. I have a desire to change the world around me. I want others to look past one another’s differences and start loving each other and accepting each other.
I’m starting with myself and my attitude. Just because I feel beaten up and hurt and let down by people does not mean that I should do the same to others. I will choose joy and I will choose to love. I choose to follow Jesus. I am not turning back. I honestly love to love people. I may fail at it and people may not understand it but I’m following Jesus and trying to demonstrate his love in as simple a way as possible.
Let’s be honest…my favorite city is Paris….the city of love.
I’m from just outside Philadelphia….the city of brotherly love.
I went to school in Virginia…Virginia is for lovers.
The school was in Lynchburg….which has the Love sign downtown.
Love is all around. What I’m learning is that though it might not be in the romantic sense, love is all around me. And I have a lot of love to give. God has more love to give and I’m excited to see how he’s going to keep loving me and love those around me.
Spread the love y’all!
The below set of verses has often been cheesy to me but I’m starting to not find them so cheesy but instead am finding them as a challenge for myself. Am I making sure that I’m displaying this idea of love. It’s helping me to understand the simple side of love. Though I know that it is one of the most complicated things. It can be the easiest and hardest thing all at the same time.
Today I watched the Criminal Minds episode “Coda” and I have fallen in love with this song. It appears many others have as well. I wanted to share this today to help us appreciate the simple things.
My life is so confusing to me right now and I had to take a break from things to gain perspective. What I’ve been reminded of is to truly appreciate simple things. Such as a beautiful piece of music.
I had to take a break from piano music because it hurt my heart and reminded me too much of the things that I was trying to hide from and runaway from. I cannot run and I cannot hide. The Lord will not let me but he is by my side.
With that said, I’m going to be back on here again sharing about love and what the Lord is teaching me in life about love. I learn something new about it every day.
Today the Lord has loved on me with this simple melody. He has loved on me in so many more ways over the past couple weeks. Weeks that I yet again thought would kill me. He is so much stronger than I and gives me renewed strength each day.
Thank you Daddy for always taking care of me and reminding me not to let go of something that you have laid on my heart before it’s time to let it go. Thank you for the simple things. The words that others say at the exact right moment, the simple melodies, the sunrises and sunsets, the friends, and the prayers.
I am loved every single day by my Daddy and the people that he has placed in my life. I will continue to love those around me, in the best ways that I know how. I hope that those around me see Jesus love through me and my actions.
God is up to something so big and so amazing and this is just the beginning. I’m excited for the year ahead and what he is going to continue to do.
The short answer is yes and no. What I mean when I say this is that God’s love is always always always enough. Human love is not always enough. Sometimes it does not conquer all. Sometimes one person’s love can’t save thing and fix everything. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you can fix them.
They have to want to fix themselves. They have to be selfish and focus on themselves. We have a hard time truly loving someone else really, truly, deeply, if we do not love the Lord and love ourselves.
However, when we love someone and they do not love us back, in the way that we want it or need it, it breaks us and makes us question who we are as a person. It makes it hard for us to truly love someone else. We feel like we are not enough and that we are not worth it and that we gave all of ourselves before and it was denied.
We try to fake it and try to make it work. Because we want to. We want to love again. We want to be there for someone but we can’t. ugh…I’m sorry I have such a heavy heart and a gaping fresh wound.
You risk everything. You take a chance. You never know when it might work out. But honestly most of the time it doesn’t. Most of the time someone is still dealing with a previous hurt or learning to have to handle the consequences of previous decisions. Someone always loves the other one more. And it sucks.
No matter how much you try to convince them and be there for them. You end up just pushing them away and feeling defeated and that you were never important to begin with. However, then you realize that at one point you were. They were trying and that hurts even more. Because then you wonder if the circumstances were different just maybe would it have worked out? Will it work out? Is this just another chapter in the story?
You begin to think through everything and analyze everything. You wonder if what you thought the Lord was doing was just in your head. You wonder if you missed the mark. You wonder what now? You wonder if they think that you are toxic and bad to them and can’t handle it and are just a hindrance to everything.
You can’t think clearly…after you thought you had been thinking so clearly over the past several months. You go how did I get myself in this spot for a second time? How did I not let go before but then you remember that the Lord brought this person into your life for a reason. He allowed you to have a burden and love for them. You cling to that hope.
You know that this has to be this way right now. You know that the Lord is protecting you. You know that he needs to learn how to take care of this new little one. You know that he has to finish finding himself and know who he is. You know he has to get over his past hurts and be okay with himself.
Even though you thought you were the one who was behind in knowing who they were. You realize that you have gotten to a higher place. You know that in all actuality, he has to catch up to you. I am confident in who I am in Christ and what the Lord has asked me to do.
This may have distracted me for a moment but things are not changing for me. You are the love of my life. I have tried to pray this away. I have tried to forget you and not think about you or dream of a life with you. You told me that maybe I will just be covering you in prayer and that’s all ever. That I can do that without another romantic feeling. And yes that is possible. But I don’t think that’s what the Lord has intended.
No one….maybe not even you….especially right now can understand it. It doesn’t make logical sense. It sounds crazy. It sounds like a pipe dream. It sounds like I am living in a fantasy world. But like I have said I will only change when the Lord changes my heart. As he changed yours to focus on the little man.
The thing is I cannot fault you for wanting to be there for him. He’s your flesh and blood. He was a game changer. He’s a beautiful one, even if he makes this part of the story different and challenging. I told you I signed on for this, with whatever it meant.
And I do also know that you have to do this. So in loving you and supporting you, I will pray for you. I will cover you and little man. And maybe the Lord will take the romantic feelings away and will bring me someone else. Someone who can love me and put me first.
Some would resent the little guy. I do not. I think all of this is happening for a reason. It is stretching us and bringing all of us closer to the Lord. It is all part of each of our stories and the Lord is using it. I don’t understand it. It hurts like hell mostly right now.
In many ways I don’t want to be here. I want the bliss that we had. I want how it was. But we can’t go back to how it was. We can only move forward. We can only take the next steps, whatever they may be. I don’t know what the Lord is up to. But I know it’s big things.
I know that with this the devil is trying to attack. He is trying to distract. He is trying to hinder. Because instead of this destroying all of us and pulling us all away from the Lord, the Lord is going to use the story and has such bigger plans than we can ever imagine.
I hope that you don’t write me out of your life completely. I know that it’s easier that way. But what if the Lord isn’t done with our story? What if this is the second greatest love story that we get to experience.
I don’t want to stop believing in love. I don’t want to be calloused. I don’t want you to be calloused. I don’t want to just go sleep around with whoever and not make any roots. I’m ready for roots and ties.
While you have to do what is right for you and your son, I have to do what I feel the Lord has for my life too. Neither one of us is going to get it right all the time. I will not get depressed. I will not get distracted. I will not fall.
I will feel…I will hurt…I will cry….I will scream….I will not always understand. But I’m going to walk this out the best way that I know how. I wish it was by your side. I wish this was not how it was right now. Will you still think of me? Will you wonder about me?
so back to the first question…Jesus love is enough. He has always loved me and always covers me and holds me and is with me. No matter how many times I fail and let him down. His love is greater. He works miracles and is in control of everything. Your love will not always be enough for little man but God’s love will.
Just be careful of those who will try to distract you and keep you from your purpose and who do not truly love you for all of you. You only show pieces of you that you think that people will like, as we all do. I pray that you do not get lost in this process this time. I pray that you find yourself and love yourself and find what you are looking for. I am still on your side. I’m still fighting for you. I’m still here for an encouraging word. I’m still here to love you for you, in speight of everything.
Maybe everyone is right and maybe I should move on. Maybe this isn’t worth it. But you need to know that someone besides the Lord does think that you are worth it. Someone let you in and wants and needs you but understands that they can’t have you.
I love you with my entire being B. I only wish that it was enough.