The short answer is yes and no. What I mean when I say this is that God’s love is always always always enough. Human love is not always enough. Sometimes it does not conquer all. Sometimes one person’s love can’t save thing and fix everything. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you can fix them.
They have to want to fix themselves. They have to be selfish and focus on themselves. We have a hard time truly loving someone else really, truly, deeply, if we do not love the Lord and love ourselves.
However, when we love someone and they do not love us back, in the way that we want it or need it, it breaks us and makes us question who we are as a person. It makes it hard for us to truly love someone else. We feel like we are not enough and that we are not worth it and that we gave all of ourselves before and it was denied.
We try to fake it and try to make it work. Because we want to. We want to love again. We want to be there for someone but we can’t. ugh…I’m sorry I have such a heavy heart and a gaping fresh wound.
You risk everything. You take a chance. You never know when it might work out. But honestly most of the time it doesn’t. Most of the time someone is still dealing with a previous hurt or learning to have to handle the consequences of previous decisions. Someone always loves the other one more. And it sucks.
No matter how much you try to convince them and be there for them. You end up just pushing them away and feeling defeated and that you were never important to begin with. However, then you realize that at one point you were. They were trying and that hurts even more. Because then you wonder if the circumstances were different just maybe would it have worked out? Will it work out? Is this just another chapter in the story?
You begin to think through everything and analyze everything. You wonder if what you thought the Lord was doing was just in your head. You wonder if you missed the mark. You wonder what now? You wonder if they think that you are toxic and bad to them and can’t handle it and are just a hindrance to everything.
You can’t think clearly…after you thought you had been thinking so clearly over the past several months. You go how did I get myself in this spot for a second time? How did I not let go before but then you remember that the Lord brought this person into your life for a reason. He allowed you to have a burden and love for them. You cling to that hope.
You know that this has to be this way right now. You know that the Lord is protecting you. You know that he needs to learn how to take care of this new little one. You know that he has to finish finding himself and know who he is. You know he has to get over his past hurts and be okay with himself.
Even though you thought you were the one who was behind in knowing who they were. You realize that you have gotten to a higher place. You know that in all actuality, he has to catch up to you. I am confident in who I am in Christ and what the Lord has asked me to do.
This may have distracted me for a moment but things are not changing for me. You are the love of my life. I have tried to pray this away. I have tried to forget you and not think about you or dream of a life with you. You told me that maybe I will just be covering you in prayer and that’s all ever. That I can do that without another romantic feeling. And yes that is possible. But I don’t think that’s what the Lord has intended.
No one….maybe not even you….especially right now can understand it. It doesn’t make logical sense. It sounds crazy. It sounds like a pipe dream. It sounds like I am living in a fantasy world. But like I have said I will only change when the Lord changes my heart. As he changed yours to focus on the little man.
The thing is I cannot fault you for wanting to be there for him. He’s your flesh and blood. He was a game changer. He’s a beautiful one, even if he makes this part of the story different and challenging. I told you I signed on for this, with whatever it meant.
And I do also know that you have to do this. So in loving you and supporting you, I will pray for you. I will cover you and little man. And maybe the Lord will take the romantic feelings away and will bring me someone else. Someone who can love me and put me first.
Some would resent the little guy. I do not. I think all of this is happening for a reason. It is stretching us and bringing all of us closer to the Lord. It is all part of each of our stories and the Lord is using it. I don’t understand it. It hurts like hell mostly right now.
In many ways I don’t want to be here. I want the bliss that we had. I want how it was. But we can’t go back to how it was. We can only move forward. We can only take the next steps, whatever they may be. I don’t know what the Lord is up to. But I know it’s big things.
I know that with this the devil is trying to attack. He is trying to distract. He is trying to hinder. Because instead of this destroying all of us and pulling us all away from the Lord, the Lord is going to use the story and has such bigger plans than we can ever imagine.
I hope that you don’t write me out of your life completely. I know that it’s easier that way. But what if the Lord isn’t done with our story? What if this is the second greatest love story that we get to experience.
I don’t want to stop believing in love. I don’t want to be calloused. I don’t want you to be calloused. I don’t want to just go sleep around with whoever and not make any roots. I’m ready for roots and ties.
While you have to do what is right for you and your son, I have to do what I feel the Lord has for my life too. Neither one of us is going to get it right all the time. I will not get depressed. I will not get distracted. I will not fall.
I will feel…I will hurt…I will cry….I will scream….I will not always understand. But I’m going to walk this out the best way that I know how. I wish it was by your side. I wish this was not how it was right now. Will you still think of me? Will you wonder about me?
so back to the first question…Jesus love is enough. He has always loved me and always covers me and holds me and is with me. No matter how many times I fail and let him down. His love is greater. He works miracles and is in control of everything. Your love will not always be enough for little man but God’s love will.
Just be careful of those who will try to distract you and keep you from your purpose and who do not truly love you for all of you. You only show pieces of you that you think that people will like, as we all do. I pray that you do not get lost in this process this time. I pray that you find yourself and love yourself and find what you are looking for. I am still on your side. I’m still fighting for you. I’m still here for an encouraging word. I’m still here to love you for you, in speight of everything.
Maybe everyone is right and maybe I should move on. Maybe this isn’t worth it. But you need to know that someone besides the Lord does think that you are worth it. Someone let you in and wants and needs you but understands that they can’t have you.
I love you with my entire being B. I only wish that it was enough.