We all have bumps and bruises that we have acquired along our life journey. Some are physically visible to others and some are emotional scars. Some only effect us at certain times and some have an overarching power over our whole existence. They define who we are and the choices that we make. Often times we try to pretend that this is not the case and we say that we have dealt with things, when in all reality, we’ve only put band aids on to cover up things that require stitches and surgery.
These are all the painful things that we don’t want to talk about and only deal with them when we are forced to. Often time we still try to run and hide and pretend as though they are not as bad as they actually are. This is not healthy so we often go on pretending that we are okay when we are not okay and we get used to living in the state of not being okay.
However, there comes a time when we choose to deal with it and have the opportunity to heal. It’s not the most glamorous or pretty of circumstances. We don’t want people to see our gaping and festering wounds. We don’t even want to look at them ourselves. This means going back to the times that we have tried to bury and forget but subconsciously have been battling since they have occurred.
It’s not pretty but it’s necessary for us to go through to be able to overcome it and be better. The things are still part of our lives but they do not control our lives. We accept what happened and what has resulted because of it but we do not have to let it consume us. We do not need to beat ourselves up over it or hold a grudge toward the person or persons who caused us such deep seeded pain.
I have come to terms with the fact that there are a lot of ouchies that I have been dealing with. Some of which had honestly never really crossed my mind until I really started looking at my past, even going back to my childhood. Honestly, I had a wonderful childhood but I still felt alone at times, as everyone does. No matter how many people we have around us and how much love we have even from our family, we are always lacking and wanting.
I realized that I actually felt very alone at times as a kid. With that it made me very independent in my adulthood and as I have grown up. Independence isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it was part of the reason why I’ve had so many walls up. Thing is I love to love others and I want to be loved by others. I just have a hard time accepting love from others. That is until recently but that even got taken away from me. And you would think that it would have pushed me over the edge this time. But it hasn’t. Instead this time I have honestly run harder after God than ever before. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to run from him but I have finally accepted his love and know that his love and being in his presence is the most satisfying of all feelings ever.
But back to the ouchies and the pains. It all started with me as a little girl and my brother getting diagnosed with diabetes. Poor kid was only 3 years old. I was only 5. However, it changed the life of our whole family. Now Diabetes is not a death sentence but it does mean and especially back then that you have to keep an eye on a lot of things. It meant a lot of sacrifices for all of us.
Now as little kids we didn’t completely understand. All I knew was that it meant that my little brother got all the attention and he got all the special snacks and could eat whatever he wanted it seemed. Now obviously, if you know anything about diabetes, that is not the case. He was actually extremely limited then in terms of what he could and when he could eat and he had to check his number and have insulin shots. But obviously as a little kid you aren’t thinking about those things.
This is not to say that I resent my brother. I actually relate to him a lot now in this respect, as I actually developed diabetes when I was 16 years old. Let me tell you it’s not any easier getting it when your 16 versus 3. My brother doesn’t really remember what it’s like not having diabetes but I do. I remember not having to worry about what I ate or when I ate or how much insulin to give myself or having to worry about how exercising will effect things or being self conscious about it and being concerned with what people will think.
There is still a stigma that is attached to diabetes. People when they find out go oh I had no idea. You don’t look like you have it. Why didn’t you tell me…etc. I don’t want it to define who I am. One lady even asked me if my insulin pump site was a nicotine patch…this is on my stomach by the way. I was a bit taken aback by her mentioning anything to me. Though I would rather people ask about diabetes rather than make assumptions about things that they don’t know or understand.
Now this ouchie though it is an outward scar that can be seen as I check my number and wear an insulin pump has also left some internal scars. And this didn’t really come from people. Some of it did, like I said from when I was little but then a lot more came when I developed it myself. I am eternally grateful that it is just diabetes because in the grand scheme of things as far as chronic illnesses go, it’s truly not the worst thing. There is a lot more freedom with it now than when my brother first got it. He’s had it for over 20 years. I’ve had it for over 10. Wow!
You know I thought it was the end of my world when it happened too. I didn’t think I could handle it. I thought no one would love me and that people would look at me differently. I still battle that with it. I mean seriously…when I wear a bathing suit…I have a white patch sticking out of my stomach. I know people are curious. But you know what…I had a man love me even though I had it. He was actually more concerned about things than I was. I tried to down play that severity of how important checking my number is and giving myself my insulin.
You know in spite of my ouchie, I let him in. I let him love me. I truly and honestly let someone love me and be concerned about me and my illness. I had never done that before. But honestly no one had done that for me before.
There are other ouchies that I have experienced. Greater ones…deeper ones. This one I don’t dwell on so much anymore. Because my God is faithful. He has taken care of me with it. He could if he wanted to actually heal my pancreas and restore it to full function. But this ouchie is part of my story. As much as the relationships that I have experienced are part of my story, the diabetes is part of my story. It’s something that a lot of people can relate to.
What I am starting to learn is that the ouchies are part of my life. They have brought me to where I am. The Lord allowed them to happen. Through each pain and difficulty I have learned something and grown from it. It is part of my journey and my story. Through all of it the Lord has been there and will continue to be there. There is a plan and a purpose.
He has loved me through all it and allowed things to happen because he loves me. Through some of the ouchies and pains, he was actually protecting me. I couldn’t see it when I was going through the moments but I can see the purpose with many of them now. My Daddy (God) loves me so much even through all this and even when I did not always react the way that I should have.
There is love in spite of the ouchies. The ouchies require more than simple band aids and quick fixes. They require some time and attention. They require a delicate touch and some serious examination. Each one is unique but in them we can learn the Father’s love, love for our self, and how to accept love from other people. These are things that I’m going to look at with love this week.
I’m really going to take a good hard look at myself and my ouchies to see if I’ve really healed and really let them go. The diabetes is the easy one. There are much more difficult ones to evaluate and look at. But I believe that I can take away a lot from them and really let go of a lot. Stop really allowing things to weight me down.
It’s going to be different this time. I’m not going back. God has already won. Satan will not win. I laugh in his face, as I see how he has tried to derail me again this time. But I will not stop praising the Lord and I will not stop chasing after him. I signed up for a challenge and said that I was along for this ride, however it may go. Thankfully I have a supernatural power and strength on my side.
Good night all!