I’m going to open up about another ouchie of mine. One that I think probably affects a lot of us. It is self-worth. I often struggle with thinking that I am enough. In all my relationships I have felt like I am not good enough. In many of my friendships I feel like I am not good enough. Even with my family, I feel like I often let them down. I think this is a common feeling among many of us. It is important to value yourself and know your worth. This does not mean being prideful and haughty. It just means knowing that you are worth more than your past mistakes and that you are loved in the eyes of the Father.
I will bend over backwards for those people that I care about and love. I often feel that it is not appreciated. I feel like it doesn’t matter in their eyes. It’s never good enough and they expect more. But I don’t often know what to do beyond what I have done.
For instance, one of my deepest hurts in this area goes back to when I was in college and lived with the same girl for 3 years. We don’t even speak anymore. We were inseparable when we were in school and by that I mean we did absolutely everything together. We had the same dorm room, same friends, some similar classes, etc. But apparently there were things that I did that she held on to that had hurt her deeply.
I was supposed to be her maid of honor in her wedding. But was actually kicked out via email a few weeks after graduation. We were supposed to talk a couple years after, I really wanted to clear things up and it never happened. I am still not entirely sure of what all happened. What I have clung on to for a long time is the things that others told me and what she put in the email, saying what I had done for her hadn’t been good enough. It didn’t matter. I was crushed. It destroyed my views of my college experience for a few years.
It also had a huge impact on how I looked at myself and how I let myself get treated. It caused me to start putting walls up and not really letting people in or telling them everything about myself. It caused me to settle for relationships where I wasn’t valued or appreciated because it’s what I thought that I deserved. Looking back on these two relationships that I am referencing, I wasn’t happy.
And I actually allowed myself to be second choice. For the one, I was second choice to pot. He was always stoned and I was not a priority. But I wanted someone so badly and wanted to make him so happy. It was not a healthy relationship. I was more committed and by the time that he started to be, I had lost heart. Thankfully our father in heaven is not like that. Thankfully, though we put him second all the time, he always takes us back and makes sure that we stay first.
The other relationship, though it seemed good at first was not. The time that I gave him was never enough, the texts were never enough, the phone calls were never enough, the meals were never enough, the gifts were never enough, the sex was never enough, none of it was ever enough for him. No matter what I did or how much I did, it didn’t mean anything for him.
I wonder if God honestly ever feels this way with us. He’s like man I give you this house, this car, this job, this bed, this couch, this tv, this computer, these clothes, this food, this family, these friends…etc and we never seem to be satisfied. We always want more.
And then he takes the things away.What do we do then?We can run from him or we can trust him. I have run all the other times. But I am not running this time.
If I am honest, my deep hurt of feeling unworthy and unlovable has come as a result of my last relationship ending. I feel like everything that I did wasn’t good enough again. I feel like he doesn’t know how much I deeply love him. I feel like I have let him down. It is such a painful thing to deal with.
But what I do know this time is that my God loves me and is on my side and is working everything out. I know that through this last year and a half I have learn and grown more in my faith than ever before. God used a terrible situation in my life, that not everyone knows all the details about to bring me so close to him. I have no other option or desire but to trust God. He has brought me this far and hasn’t let me down.
What I thought would honestly kill me this time and take me back into my depression and poor decisions of drinking, smoking, and sleeping around, has not. It has made me more confident and in love with my Father in heaven. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy.
Nothing about this past year has been easy. Some may say that it started with an easy choice. It was not an easy choice. I chose to finally truly let someone through my fortress that I had built up around me. He broke through and I really trusted him with everything. I gave him my whole heart and told him many of my deepest fears and hopes and dreams. All for it be taken away in an instant. And now I have to just keep trusting God.
In spite of my ouchies, God is using them and growing me and showing me his love and his mercy and grace. I have no animosity or anger. I have some hurts but mostly I have love and hope and peace. I know that the Lord has everything under control and that he sees my value and worth. And with that I am learning to see my value and worth and be happy with the person that is staring back in the mirror.
All the ouchies are getting exposed and the surgery and healing that needs to happen is coming.
I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday!