My heart is so heavy right now and I believe it will be for a long time. How quickly we can fall and choose to let someone in, when we actually trust again. How quickly we can clam up and shut down when we get so turned in our own ouchies that we can’t see past and assume that someone else won’t see past them and that everything was nothing more than farce.
I don’t do farce or fake or half attempts. As much as I want to dig myself a hole and crawl into it to worry no more and to hurt no more. There is more. God gave me this life for a reason. God has allowed me to go through this for a reason. God made me promises. Not knowing what the journey would hold. Thankfully he doesn’t show us everything. I couldn’t have handled it. I can’t handle it now. He has to handle it.
As I deal with a very new and very real ouchie, it brings up the old ouchies. The ones that I thought that I had dealt with and moved on from. But everything comes up again. Dwelling on them and letting them fester. That cannot be an option any longer.
I must get past the ouchies. The one person that I trusted to never honestly hurt me has hurt me the most and I him. Why? Because love. Love is the greatest thing and the worst thing all at the same time.
It can lift us up and can destroy us. Why? Because it is so simple and so complicated. When we truly love that person can cut us so deeply that we feel we may never recover. However there is forgiveness and redemption. My heart yearns for that. My heart aches for that restoration and resolution.
It yearns to be valued and sheltered. I thought it was and then everything changed. Now I know that it is still valued and sheltered and protected. My heavenly Father does that for me. He won’t let anything happen to me. He is with me each step of the way. Through all the hard times and difficult times.
Heartache is not the end of the world. It may feel like it will kill me but it won’t. It doesn’t pay the bills. My job pays the bills. It doesn’t drive me to work. My car drives me to work. It doesn’t cover me and keep me warm when outside. My clothes do that. It doesn’t help me to see. My contacts help me do that. It doesn’t provide me nourishment. My food does that. It doesn’t encourage me or lift me up. My God does that. In spite of all this pain he still is with me. My God will provide. I cannot doubt him or his plans.
His timing is so perfect. I’ve seen it unfold through this whole last season. It’s been a challenging season. A growing season. A messy season. A hard season. One I don’t want to go through again. It’s been a dry season at times. I feel like I am wandering and running in circles.
But I know that I am right where I am supposed to be. I am doing what I am supposed to do. God is bringing me beyond the ouchies. He is letting me see beyond my current situation. He is giving me a hope and a future.
Will I survive? yes…Have I gotten new wounds….Yes? Have I learned a lot? yes…do I regret any of it? no….Am I happy to have met this person and fallen in love and learned them? Yes…Do I hate them? Never Have they hurt me? yes Have I hurt them? yes Is it fixable? only by God’s grace
To get beyond the ouchies and our human faults we have to let go and let God in the situation. I would keep messing it up. Clearly I did. Even when I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. I pushed too hard. I now have no other option but to trust God. I have no control. Granted I never did, as much as I had tried.
Through this I do still have a joy and a happiness. I am still living my life. I am still obeying God. Still listening for him. Still trusting him. Still following after him. Still yearning to please him. Still hoping in him.
I do not want to become so hard and callused. I do not want to hate. I do not want to regret. I know how I felt and how I feel and what I have experienced and what I am experiencing. It’s real…It’s not fake. It’s not easy. It’s a journey and it’s a ride. It doesn’t make sense and I do not understand. I don’t want to runaway and distract myself with other things. I don’t need or want other things. This doesn’t mean I’m not living.
I have an assignment at this time and I want to do my best to carry it out. And hopefully just maybe….God will let me get a glimpse in the end. Winter doesn’t last forever. There is a time for every season.
It’s October. It’s my turnaround. I will not go back. It’s different this time. I have a hope and faith. I trust my God with my heart and know that he is with me. Satan will not win this time. It’s overflowing time.