Where to even start with today. Each day is so up and down anymore. One minute I feel like I have all the strength in the world and can take on everything and anything. I am woman, hear me roar! The next minute I feel like my world and everything in me is being pulverized to death.
I can feel so close to God and so satisfied in who I am in him and confident in him. Then I can feel satan attacking and my human self beginning to doubt and question everything. I want to follow God. I want to do what he’s asking me to do. I want to please him. I don’t want to be stuck. I want grow. I want everything in him. But then the past creeps in. My insecurities creep in. The little voices that I fight so hard to ignore get louder.
This morning I was saying how I was finally seeing myself and knowing who I am in Christ. I was so excited and so proud. Then by this evening panic overtook me as someone asked me something, exposing something that I’m still hurting through and processing through. Funny thing was I was actually dealing with it. I was hurting. I was getting in my feelings and breaking down. But then I felt like I had to toughen up and act like I had it together. Why?
Because I’m trying to follow God. Because I’m trying to do it with him and trust in him. I wanted his comfort. And here he had sent this human person to do that and I pushed it away. I didn’t want another person who is around me to know about this part of my journey yet.
I sit behind my computer screen and post my hurts and things that I am learning on here. But I couldn’t face telling someone that I know, someone that I should trust. Someone in my church, what I’m really battling with. I pretended to be okay because most of the time I am okay. But I hadn’t been okay a moment ago.
She asked me the question that I’ve been avoiding at church. The question that was eventually going to come up if anyone actually got to know me there. If I actually chose to let them in. Granted she really didn’t have to try that hard. She just looked back a little bit on my social media and realized.
Now she didn’t push details. She just asked if I was okay. I said I was. Why? Because I am mostly okay. She said that I could let her know if I wasn’t okay. Why? Because the devil knows what buttons to push. He knows what ouchies are still healing. He knows how to get to us, especially when we are going after a dream and following God.
Every time I make one step forward, I feel like there are 5 grenades thrown at me to try to destroy me and get me off course. Now I understand what he was going through over the past few months. You think you’re okay. You think it can work and you know God has a plan but then you are attacked from what feels like all sides. It breaks you and destroys you. So you put your walls up and start believing the lies that the devil is telling you.
You’re not worth it
It’s all your fault
He didn’t love you
You didn’t love him
You should look at this
You shouldn’t believe that
You should make this choice
You should go to this place
You should drink this
You should smoke that
You should contact this person
ugh!!!!!! I am so sick of the challenge of this. And no matter how much people want to be there for you and no matter how much you want and need people to be there for you, you feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You feel like you are drowning as the waves keep beating you down. You feel like you can only get a second for air.
When you feel free from one thing, you feel like there are 1000 things waiting to snag you and pull you back down. No matter how much you try to do what the Lord is asking you to do.
Thankfully he provides things to encourage you. The phone call at just the right time, the Bible verse in text or on your app, the unplanned run in with a good friend when you are running errands, the encouraging text or chat at work, the worship song on the radio, the beautiful sunset, or the glance of yourself in the mirror where you see yourself as God sees you.
The devil will not win this time. I will keep following God. I have seen him answer my prayers. The little signs he gives me. The big signs he gives me. The things he shows me and tells me. I will keep following God. I will not stop.
It doesn’t make sense. No one would want to do what I am having to do. It sounds like I am letting my human heart get in the way. It sounds crazy. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not the easiest thing for anyone to do. But it’s what I am supposed to do. I will not runaway. I will not hide. I will hold my head high. I will rest in my God. I will find peace in him. I know that he will bless me because of my faithfulness.
I serve a mighty God who wants great things for me and has great plans for me. This continues to be my turnaround. I will let God keep using me and will keep trusting him and hoping in him. Though I may not always see what he is doing or understand what is going on, I will keep pressing on.
Hopefully others who are struggling with what the Lord is asking them to do can be encouraged to keep pressing on and keep believing in what the Lord is doing. Be blessed everyone!