It is such an interesting concept. It’s one that we want to often be given but we often don’t want to do the forgiving or we don’t understand how we can forgive something. It is such a complicated thing and one that has been plaguing my mind recently. Why? Because there is currently one thing that I am struggling to forgive. Why? Because I keep allowing people to convince me that my feelings are justified.
My feelings of hurt are completely justified but that doesn’t mean that I’m not still supposed to forgive. I am very much suppose to forgive. I may never receive the apology. I may never be acknowledged again but the hurt is very real. The pain is definitely being experienced.
Our hurts and our pains are real. They are justified. We have to recognize them. This goes along with my last post about regrets and mistakes. And what I’ve really been working through the whole last month.
I can’t sit here and tell you that everything is now perfect and my life all makes sense after this last month. That is not the case at all.
Actually this morning I didn’t want to go into church. I wanted to run away more than ever. I wanted to hide and be in denial about my pain and my open aches. Why? Because no one knows at church. Except the person who did the hurting. And they are so wrapped up in their own pains and hurts that they don’t have the time and energy to devote to my hurts. And I don’t let people in.
What do you do when the person who hurt you so deeply is another Christian? What do you do when you have to see them leading worship every Sunday morning? What if they were the one you have the deepest human connection with? What do you do? What if you want to forgive them but can’t? What if you aren’t angry? What if you are just hurt and confused and just want clarification? What if you can’t talk to them?
What if they have caused you the most joy, outside your experiences with God but have been the cause of some of your biggest ouchies? What do you do?
I can’t sit here at this moment and tell you I have forgiven this person for this hurt. I have forgiven them for other things but not this last hurt. I am not one who likes to hold grudges. I do not ever hate people and do not often stay angry for long but I cannot let this chain go. I am trying with all my might to let it go. I do not want to be bound by unforgiveness. I want to go to sleep with a clear conscious. But I’m honestly having a hard time forgiving.
But how dare I….how prideful of me to not sit here and forgive them when my God, the creator of everything has forgiven me for far greater. I have done way more painful things to him and much more hurtful things to him and yet he forgives me.
Phew….I think I might be able to forgive by the time that I finish this post. Wow! That convicted me. As I strive to live a sanctified life, I can’t do that by not forgiving. As much as I have been praying and changing and growing….this is huge. This is going to hinder me from going further and deeper and hearing more from God.
I cannot hold on to this hurt. Just because it’s fresh and it doesn’t honestly make sense to me. I cannot let Satan win. I cannot let my flesh win. I need to forgive. I need to let it go. God will hold us all accountable for our actions. It is not my place. I know who I am. I know whose I am. There is such a power and beauty in that. I cannot and will not let that be taken away.
It took me a long time to forgive myself. I keep beating myself up. I keep hanging on to feeling worthless and like I am not good enough. Like it was all in my head. Like I am a crazy person. But that is not the case. I will not let him win. I will not let him dictate how I see myself and I will not harbor negativity toward him or anyone else.
I cannot and will not live in dark places anymore. I do not want him to be in that place anymore. My hope is that now that I have truly forgiven, because I am truly forgiving as I type out this blog, is that he too can forgive. That he can stop hating and stop going back to dark feelings. I forgive the hurtful things that were said behind my back. That’s what hurt the most was that he didn’t care enough to tell them to my face. You know you aren’t important to someone when the won’t say it to your face.
I refuse to someone’s option and second choice. I refuse to not be important. I refuse to accept mediocre and half attempted love. I refuse to not be treated with respect. I have accepted the greatest love of all from God and I know how he sees me. I want to see others how he sees them and I can’t do that with unforgiveness.
I saw how this man praised the Lord today. I saw how he did it with all his heart. When he praises the Lord it is the greatest thing to witness. It is so genuine and heartfelt. You know his angels are right there with him and you know the Lord is loving it. I can see that the Lord has been working on his heart and working out a miracle in him. It’s time for the Lord to finish working this out in me.
I want to have a merciful and gracious spirit. I do not want to hold grudges. I do not want to be stuck in the pains of a few months ago. I want to keep moving forward. I want to go deeper. We can’t expect to go deeper if we holding on to unforgiveness.