It’s been a rough time of it for me. Don’t get me wrong I know that I am very blessed in my life right now and I do not take that for granted in all honesty. In so many ways I have so much more than I need. I have so many material things. But my heart still aches. I’m guessing it’ll keep aching for a while more.
I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions recently and I feel like I’m not enjoying the ride. And I love roller coasters. But I’m going up and down and all around and my stomach is seriously in knots. I feel sick to my stomach much of the time and live in constant confusion over things. I know I shouldn’t worry and I know I need to not dwell on the past. But there are good memories, wonderful memories, the best of memories there.
And then I dwell on the fact that they are just memories and they are not the present. And then I dwell on the public posts and social media responses to things. And then I fall backwards and delve into depression.
It is the most painful of things that I have experienced in my life. There is such a real physical pain when it comes to heartache. And I know for me on my end based on how I am that this was real love and I have never ever felt this way about anyone. I had given every bit of me to that person. They knew so many of my insecurities….but I don’t think that they realized they knew.
Ugh this wasn’t what I wanted to post about today. But this is where I am. I admit that I am falling back into my depression. As much as I am fighting to not. Because there are so many great things in my life. I have a wonderful family and friends. And I have so many things that I can do. But I feel like I just go through the motions. Nothing is satisfying. Nothing has value to me. I feel like I’m an observer on the outside watching my life right now.
And believe me I know that I have God on my side and I know that there is a reason and a purpose for all of this. I know that I’m learning and growing. I know he loves me and he is always with me. And some Christians would then say well you don’t have a reason to be depressed. That’s not true. As a human I do experience this. Plus it’s part of the suffering that we go through, like Christ did.
Life is never going to be perfect. There are always peaks and valleys. There are painful moments and moments where we want to crawl into bed and never get out. (That is how I feel today.) Times where we want to call out sick and times where we want to run away and not deal with anything. Times where we wonder if anyone would actually care or notice. (These are all running through my head today.)
The thing is I know that I cannot dwell on these thoughts. There is more to life than this. And in all honesty, I want to do what the Lord wants me to do. I want to do what is going to please him. I want to stay focused on him and I know that he’ll give me the peace.
John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
The thing is I really have peace about everything in my life except for this. I have peace about my job, my friends, my family, my car, my diabetes, my food, etc. But I don’t have peace with this. Because I know as much as I try to give it over to God every day, I still want to control it.
As much as I know that this is how it has to be for now, I want it to be different. I do not understand it. And it kills me. I want to control everything. But I can’t. God has made that evident with how this man’s actions have panned out. The great thing is that I know that my God knew what was coming before it came and that he is working it all out.
I know that is is part of my story. And I know that God calms my heart every time that I do get angry, hurt, or anxious about this situation. It doesn’t mean that I like it or want to go through it. But I know it’s necessary. And I truly do have the greatest love of all with God.
My light in my dark days and depressing moments comes from above. With him, I will overcome this and so much more. If I didn’t have God, I would have packed my bags long ago or curled up in my bed unable to function. I understand why people get depressed. We give people and things so much power and control over our lives.
No more! It’s done! I’m moving forward and upward. There is too much life ahead of me and I can’t wait to see how the Lord is going to keep using this season of my life.
Happy Monday! I hope that everyone’s week starts off well!