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Since a very young age, pancreatic problems have plagued me. First, it really started with my brother. At the age of 3 he was diagnosed with diabetes. I was only 5. I didn’t understand what it meant.

As I grew up, I learned what it meant. I also learned that I had problems with low blood sugar. This would mean that I would need to make sure I had carbohydrates every few hours so that my blood sugar wouldn’t go low. I had to be extra careful when it came to exercise.

Oh how I long for the days when it was just problems with low blood sugar. I wish I didn’t have to be connected to something that has to feed me insulin. I wish I wasn’t supposed to check my blood sugar every few hours. I wish I didn’t have to go see a doctor every few months and keep track of everything that I ate. I wish I didn’t have this disease. This disease that so many people misunderstand.

I wish it was something that people understood. More so I wish I didn’t have it. I wish I wasn’t familiar with it since I was little. I can’t wait til it’s gone. I can’t wait til there is a cure.

At the same time, I have learned so much since having it….

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I have Type 1 Diabetes and have had it since I was 16. I’m going on almost 12 years of having this stupid disease. I don’t wish it upon anyone. It’s an annoyance most of the time. It often freaks me out.

Just this week I had a scare as I went to get my insulin and the pharmacy told me I was out of my prescription. How does that happen? I’m not sure. I’ll find out when I go to the doctor and make sure that they have put through the script for my insulin. I can’t not have insulin. I can’t not have carbs in my life.

I knew that the Lord was going to work it out. They can’t not prescribe me insulin. But for that split second. I freaked out. My blood sugar is going to skyrocket. I’m going to end up with ketones. I’m going to experience ketoacidosis. I’m going to end up in the hospital…I ain’t got time for that. Praise the Lord it all worked out and I was able to get insulin the next day. He is always faithful.

I always downplay it with everyone because I don’t want to to define me and I don’t want it to limit me. I’m no  less of a person because I have it. I can still do everything. It just means I have to take extra care of myself.

The problem is honestly I don’t. I spend so much time worrying about everyone else and everything else, that I don’t take care of myself. I also don’t let anyone know how serious it is. I don’t let anyone know how much I hate it and wish I didn’t have it.

I know it’s not the worst thing that a person can have but who honestly wants to have to worry about their infusion site or bolusing or having the right basal rate? Who honestly has heard of these things unless they have diabetes?

I let this whole love sick thing dominate my life and in reality, I should be more focused on this. Yet I hate focusing on myself. I would rather worry about everyone else and take care of them. I would rather put my issues on the back burner. Yet I’ve learned that is not possible.

High blood sugars can land me in the hospital, they can cause bleeding in my eyes, horrible moods, intestinal problems, etc. Ugh I hate to have to worry about myself like this. Seriously…I wish I didn’t have it.

As much as I know there is a reason for this. I wish I didn’t have to suffer with this either.  Most of the time I feel like I suffer with this less. But that’s because I pretend it doesn’t exist. I focus on everything else in life. But I know that I can’t do that. I tell my brother not to do that.  Yet I do it…I know it doesn’t make sense.

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These extra things are part of my life. I cannot escape them. No matter how much I would want to try. I need them in my life in order to survive. If my sugar goes to high, I need insulin to bring it down. If my sugar crashes I need glucose to bring it up.

I am so unbelievably self conscious about this disease. I don’t want people to think I can’t do something because I have it. I don’t want it to limit me. I don’t want a man not to love me because I have it. Because honestly who wants to worry about something the size of a pager being attached to them? Who wants to have something attached to their stomach? Someone who saw me in my bathing suit asked me if it was a nicotine patch and if I was trying to quit smoking.

I don’t like that it made me lose a bunch of weight and then put on a bunch of weight. I don’t like people not knowing the difference between type 1 and type 2.

I couldn’t prevent this.I didn’t do anything to get it. I didn’t have too much sugar or not exercise enough. It has nothing to do with my weight. I can’t manage it by changing my diet or exercising. My pancreas doesn’t work at all anymore. My body doesn’t correctly break down the carbs and sugar that I eat. I need the help of synthetic insulin to break it down for me.

But as I keep maintaining, it does not define me. It has helped me to trust in God more. It has brought me closer to my family, specifically my brother. Because I know that he knows what I am going through. I look up to him as he takes care of himself better than I do.

I wish that the doctor’s would understand that it’s not as simple as they sometimes make it out to be. I want to see them do what they are asking me to do for months on end and see if they keep up with it. You try to always remember to give yourself insulin every time that you eat something or check your blood sugar every couple hours or write it down in your log book. Life happens and gets in the way, even when you have the best of intentions.

However, this is just part of my story. This is just part of who I am. It is something that God allowed me to have and something that he helps me to manage every single day. He has asked me to suffer with him in this regard. He has a reason and a purpose even for this nuisance. I thank him for that. I thank him for the people that I can relate to because of this and for the doors that it has opened and for how he is going to use this.

Even in this I find joy. I don’t always know how I do. It’s only by his grace. But I still smile and strive to share my journey with this disease. I want to help others who have it and help those who don’t know it to understand it. Even in this storm, I will smile and find joy. Because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

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I am strapped in for this journey and ready for the ride that is my life. I’m open to wherever this may take me. I look forward to where I will get to go with this life of mine and happy to encounter all the beautiful things that are in store!

I hope you enjoy your Sunday!

~Lynn

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