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Where has the year gone?

In church we praised the Lord for allowing us to make it through another year. We should praise him for giving us another day too!

Man this year is not at all what I thought it was going to be.

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In no way did I see this all coming. Now I know that honestly some of the things that were coming, were shown to me, I just didn’t realize that the Lord had revealed them to me through my dreams.

I am so grateful that he speaks to me through dreams and other ways. Sometimes he smacks me right up side the head with information. Other times it’s the quiet voice. No matter how he speaks to me, I am beyond grateful that he does.

I am grateful that I did not have to go through this year alone. I thought this year was going to kill me honestly.

The way that last year ended and this year started. Phew! I still wouldn’t change anything. This time last year, I was trying to figure out what was going on with the man I loved and fighting with all my own strength. I failed miserably to handle anything on my own.

I let him, myself, and the Lord down. Because I tried to do it all on my own strength. Instead of listening to the Lord, I tried to do it all  myself. And boy did everything blow up in my face.

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Last year this time we had gone to DC with friends. That was our city. Something was up. It was so uncomfortable the whole time. You know when you love someone you want to be there for them but you don’t want to push to hard to have them open up. That was me….for the entire last year. Well minus the past 3 1/2 months because he completely shut me out.

Then I tried to plan time away just the two of us. Try and reconnect. It seemed better but then New Year’s happened. He pushed me so far away and shut me out so completely. I ran away for the weekend. And woke up to a text where he broke up with me….2 days into the new year. Oh how everything changed in an instant.

Then began 9 long months of fighting for something that I very strongly believe in. Well it’s been longer than that….It’s been 12 months that I have been fighting for him, really fighting for him, really trusting the Lord with him. I haven’t stopped. Every day I fight on my hands and knees. Because that’s the only way that I know how to fight anymore. He may not hear my words, but the Lord does. And I know that he answers them. Prayer is a powerful weapon.

It’s the best weapon that I have in my arsenal. The only weapon I want to use. Because I don’t want to actually fight against him. I want to fight for him and with him. I’ve felt that way since July of 2014. Though he’s given up on the fight, as far as I can tell. I don’t actually really know because he can’t even be around me or look at me if he is near me.

Though honestly, I don’t know that I have it in me anymore to be around him. My spirit was so crushed and my heart so broken. As much as I love him, I don’t know that I can be around someone that I know hates me and regrets meeting me.

Everything that I ever shared with him, I meant. Everything that I felt and feel for him is real. He helped me to get where I am today. I can’t believe a year ago, I was thinking how great the next year was going to be and dreaming, planning, and praying for a future with this man. And a year later he very intentionally avoids me.

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I’ve never felt so rejected in my life. I lost the love of my life. The man of my dreams. The man that I literally saw and wanted everything with. The man that I would have given everything to. I think it hurts more because I know that he is still out there living his life and could find someone else.

I don’t think I can find anyone else. I don’t want to find anyone else.

What I want is him. I want healing and restoration.

But more than that is that I want to follow my Lord. I want to do what he wants me to do. A year ago, was the start of the final changes of my turnaround and change. This had to all happen in order for me to be where I am.

“Each time he said,’My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9

This year I found my home church.

This year I found a job I love.

This year I got baptized in the Holy Ghost.

This year I danced my heart out for Jesus.

This year I prayed over someone.

This year I discovered my assignment.

This year I ran around the sanctuary.

This year I stepped out of my comfort zone.

This year I came into my own.

This year I saw myself for the first time.

This year I learned to love myself.

This year I learned to accept God’s love.

This year God softened my heart and opened my eyes.

This year, I learned what love really is.

This year I gave more.

This year I listened more.

This year I prayed more.

This year I saw miracles happen.

This year I found my family.

This year I learned that I am not alone, no  matter how much I feel alone.

This year I learned there is a great anointing on my life.

This year in my weakness, I found my strength in Christ.

This year I found joy in pain.

This year was a tough year but a necessary year.

A season is ending and a new one is beginning.

It’s my turnaround.

It’s about to overflow.

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This time it’s going to be different. It’s going to be tough and challenging and I know that I am going to get hurt again. I will be rejected again. But I will be loved and I will be encouraged. Though I may feel alone, I am not alone. God is up to something in this hour and I am blessed to be part of it.

“But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus-the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.” – Acts 20:24

What doe the last year look like for you? Can you see the joy in the pain? Can you see the lessons that you have learned?

Blessings!

~Lynn

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