Clearly I got a bit in my feelings this weekend. Clearly I let it affect me. I literally shut down. It’s been a while since I’ve shut down this bad. So much so that it affected my health. I’m not proud to admit it but it happened. I failed. I let other things get in the way of my faith and trust in the Lord.
I let fear get in the way. I know that he has it all under control. Every single thing. But I let my human nature get in the way. I let the negative thoughts win. I decided to be a chicken and cower. I may not have physically run away this time (though I considered it) but I did hide away in my apartment. I hid so much that it scared my best friend. She came looking for me. You would’ve thought that would’ve woken me up. Nope.
I did it again today. If you ask me what I did most of the weekend, I slept. Its been a long time since I’ve slept this much and it wasn’t healthy. I wanted to hide from the world and everything that is going on in it. Why? Because it’s too much for me. Because I lost sight of Jesus. I lost sight of the one who is holding me and with me each step of the way. I took my eyes off him for one second and I felt like the whole world around me was crashing in. I tried to take things into my own hands and fumbled. You would think that I would’ve learned my lesson by now but clearly not.
So instead of having a good weekend and getting the chance to spend time with two of my dearest girlfriends, I hid. I let myself be depressed. Knowing full well this time that I was making a conscious choice to do this. Knowing that I could get out of the funk this time but instead I let myself wallow. It hurts a lot to admit it.
I missed out on church today too because I was in such a funk. Why? What was the point? It’s not fun to be miserable. It’s not fun to feel well. I knew why I wasn’t feeling well. And honestly if I would’ve gone to church, it probably would’ve helped. But I chose to be selfish and do what I wanted and not what the Lord wanted. I know he will forgive me but I’m so annoyed with myself that I did this. For what? Seriously? There was no benefit for myself or anyone.
I cannot let myself lose sight of Jesus. There is too much in this season and in the ones ahead. It has to do with more than just myself. I didn’t just let myself down today. And for that I am sorry. I will strive to do better moving forward. Not just for myself but for those that I am to interact with. Who knows what opportunities I missed out on today because I was selfish and felt like it would be better for me to be depressed.
This time the choice was mine. Clearly this battle with depression is not over. Clearly it won today….partly. The fact that I am realizing it and writing about it, means that it did not completely win.
Tomorrow I will not let it win at all. God is in control and I will not lose sight of my Savior. I will walk above all the things going on around me. I will not let them distract me from following Christ. Tomorrow is a new day.
This is my turnaround and I know that God is up to something big. There have been serious miracles, signs, and wonders already this year. I know that he is not done yet. As long as I keep breathing, he can use me. I am willing and able to be used. I’m not going back. It is going to be different this time.