I have come to terms with the fact that I am an extremely insecure person. I’m pretty sure that I have shared that I few times on here already. I never feel that I am good enough, when it comes down to it. But that means that since I have Christ in me, that I am saying he is not good enough. Phew……that hits home. I can’t think like that anymore. Yet here I am thinking like that again.
Clearly it’s going to still creep up. I know it will. Satan knows how to bring up our insecurities and blow them up. He did that mega-big for me this weekend. I have never had a more severe panic attack in my life. I didn’t know if it was going to stop. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t stop crying or yelling even at one point. My chest hurt so bad.
And you can sit there and say what you want about Christians and not worrying. Listen just because I have the Holy Spirit, doesn’t mean that my flesh doesn’t win out from time to time. I wish it didn’t. I would rather be so completely one with God but sometimes I lose sight of Jesus and try to take back control myself. And then I am quickly reminded that I am no good on my own. I know immediately that I need to get back to God.
Sometimes it takes me longer to get my focus back than other times. This time I was so overwhelmed by everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. My entire life. It weighted so heavy on me and I realized that it’s all more than I can handle and more than what I thought. It took my brother talking me down. He was crying as he listened to me cry. It took him sharing with me what he was going through to calm me down.
Even now as I write this, I have tears streaming down my face. Nothing I put up here is for show. I’m not trying to be anything I’m not. I’m telling you how it is. In spite of all the growth, Satan knows what buttons to push and which insecurities to bring back up. And man does he fight hard.
What I have to remember, what we all have to remember is that Jesus fights harder. Jesus already won. He has the victory. I’m on the winning side. Satan has no power. He has to run at the sound of Jesus name. You say his name….there is power in the name of Jesus. I am telling you. Speak his name and big things can happen.
This is what I have to remember in my moments of weakness and panic. I am not crazy….as much as Satan would like to convince me. God is in control and he knew of each thing that was going to happen. Though I cannot handle things on my own, with his help I can. It’s not always going to make logical sense to me but God has it.
Does this mean this was my last panic attack….probably not. I hope it was and I am praying for a covering in Jesus name that he keeps me from having another one. But I know who I can turn to when I have a moment when I lose sight of him. And I know that it makes me no less of a Christian.
Honestly, I feel like it means that I’m heading in the right direction and following God’s will for my life. Satan doesn’t want me to in the midst of that. He wants me outside of that. I know that more that I follow the Lord, the more that Satan is going to fight because I know that my life is about bringing more to the kingdom and not about myself and my plans.
If you are battling anxiety or panic attacks yourself, know that you are not alone. I am praying for you. I know what you are going through. But most importantly Jesus is with you. He knows what you are going through. He is there to help you and support you. He can help you through and he can provide people to be there for you. Don’t be scared to let someone know. Chances are they have probably had a moment or two where they broke down as well.