I thought things were all falling into place. I thought this was my year. I thought it was all finally going to make sense and that it was my turn around. I thought….well I thought a lot about a lot. And I was somewhat wrong.
So where do I go from here? My posts may seem up and down but well are’t most of us up and down? I’m just trying to be honest on here and show you guys that you aren’t alone in things. We all might be going through different events but then tend to cause the same emotions and feelings.
As much as I know that my heart wants to go after the Lord and pursue him, I often times find myself so confused. He gives me my peace and then I lose sight of things again and I get discouraged and flustered.
I have been doing what I thought I should be doing and sometimes I still feel like such a mess up and misfit. I feel so alone and like I am the only one going through this. I feel like I don’t always have people to turn to and like it’s too much. I feel like the walls are often closing in around me. And the thing that I am most terrified about is letting the Lord down.
I am terrified that I didn’t hear him right. I’m terrified that I gave into my own desires. I am terrified I am not elevating him enough or praising him enough or praying to him enough. I’m terrified I’m not giving him enough time. I love my time with the Lord. It’s my most precious time.
So then I believe that I am doing what he is asking me to do and yet I feel like I get hit from all sides. I then question whether I am doing what I am supposed to do. I question if I am where I am supposed to be. I get so confused and jumbled up that I don’t know what to do.
I want to then sit on my couch or hide in my closet and live life from inside my apartment. I could find a job and work from home. Put my walls back up and keep everyone out. I won’t get hurt that way. I won’t get confused that way…right?!
No….I can’t do that. That’s not the life that I am called to. There is more to my life than just me. It’s not just about me and my feelings and my thoughts. There is a bigger plan. There are more people and more to do.
I need to get over myself…yet again and seek his wisdom and discernment. I need to let go of my selfishness and surrender to him again. It’s a daily thing I’m learning. This is not a once and done thing. It’s a continual choice that I have to make. And it’s not always the easiest one to make. But praise the Lord I have another day with the opportunity to make the choice!!