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Honestly

There are a thousand thoughts running through my head

Honestly

There are a thousand things I wish I could’ve said

Honestly

There are a million things I wish I could change

Honestly

I’m disgusted with who I once was

Honestly

I could make a thousand excuses

Honestly

It wouldn’t make a difference

Honestly

I’d still end up here

Honestly

We’d still end up here

Honestly

I can’t change who I was

Honestly

It’s lead me to here

Honestly

I’ve learned from my ignorance

Honestly

I’ve kept my walls down

Honestly

I let myself get attached

Honestly

I want to experience more

Honestly

I want to be vulnerable

Honestly

I want to be exposed to more

Honestly

I want to be challenged more

Honestly

I want to grow more

Honestly

I don’t want to go back to whoever I was trying to be

Honestly

I want to be me

Honestly

I want you to know me

Honestly

I don’t want you to make assumptions about me

Honestly

I don’t want to make assumptions about you

Honestly

I want to listen to you

Honestly

I want to trust you

Honestly

I just want to be honest.

 

So I just quickly wrote this. I’ve been working through a lot. I really keep processing specifically through the last few years of my life, well really the years since I finished college. Multiple of my friends recently have told me they were scared for where I was at a few years ago. And it really wasn’t a healthy place. I was trying to be something that I am not. I was trying to fit in to where I thought I was supposed to be as a 20 something single person. But I’ve learned I don’t really fit in anywhere and I’m okay with that.

I’ve learned that even  going back to what I was taught to believe growing up, I tried to be a certain way that people thought I was supposed to be. Here is the thing, I don’t want to be that person. I’m thoroughly disgusted by some of the things that people tried to convince me of and the ignorance. I’m ashamed for who I was. It breaks my heart to know how I once acted and what I thought once was okay. It’s not.

And like I said, honestly….I’m not that person. I’m not the childhood or teenage Lynn.I’m not the college Lynn. Nor am I the early 20s Lynn. I am the Lynn that I am now. I want to keep being a better version of me. Yea I’m learning to be happy with me but that’s only because I’m seeing who I am in Christ.

Honestly, without him, I am a mess. I am nothing. I’m disgusting and miserable. I am everything that I am only because of him. Any good thing is only him and all the bad things that are still part of me are the fleshy parts of me. And I don’t blame people for not liking those parts and judging me…if I’m honest. (It still hurts). I just want to keep moving forward.

Honestly

I’m not tired

Honestly

I’m going to keep fighting

Honestly

This has nothing to do with me

Honestly

I’m being honest.

Shalom!!!!

~Lynn

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