I am at this place where everything is so unbelievably uncomfortable. And the one person that I feel the most comfortable with is also seeming uncomfortable. I’m still not sure why I’m so comfortable with him. I guess there has to be something to this thing called love. No matter how much he pisses me off, I still love him. He’s still the one that I want to see every day. He’s the one that I want to talk to every day. He still makes my heart so happy. We don’t even have to do anything. I just have to be around him. The thing is I’m not sure that’s where he is anymore.
I’m not sure about so much anymore. The apartment is uncomfortable. Church is getting uncomfortable. Work is uncomfortable. Life is uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable in the way that I know it’s time for a major change. The problem is I don’t know what that change is.
I wish that I knew. I feel myself about to have a panic attack and it’s freaking me out. I don’t want to do that. This should be an exciting time. I just know that there is so much more than this. There is more to life than class and getting a degree. There is more to life than sitting in my apartment. There is more than the cubicle that I work in.
I love everything about my life. I really do. I love my apartment, I love what I do for a job, I love the people I work with, I love the people in my church, I love the people in my life. I love it all. I just am antsy and I know that there is more. I just haven’t had a chance to slow down again.
I’m getting so caught up in everything that I have to do and what I’ve committed to do. I realized that I was losing my focus on my assignment. I was getting distracted. And all these things that I am doing. They are good but it’s burning me out. Why? Because I’m relying on my own strength. I’m taking on more than what is my assignment in this season and I’m losing it. I’m trying to do it all on my own strength and well that’s not what I should be doing.
It’s time to make the tough choices and decisions. They may not be popular or well received but it’s time to make them. I don’t know how I’m going to do this or what this is going to look like. I just need someone to pray for me and encourage me. I need someone to push me and be in my corner. I need someone to lean on, as I want for someone to want me to do for them.
This fire and battle is tough. Every time I think it’s starting to make sense, there is that voice that comes up in the back of my mind and tries to convince me otherwise. I’ve been stuck and I’m feeling like mediocrity is trying to creep in. But I don’t want to be mediocre. There is more so much more and I want it. I will not let anyone convince me of accepting less.