I am at a point where I don’t want to do this life anymore. Not that I don’t want to live. I just don’t want to do this life anymore. I want to runaway and start over where no one knows me. Where I can escape everything. I can escape everything I am supposed to be doing. Where I can do what I want and not what God wants. I don’t like the work that’s involved in this. I don’t like this fight I’m going through. I’m tired of caring and hurting and feeling. I want to block everything out that I’ve been through in the last few years. I want someone …a physical human…to be there for me the way that I need it. I want to be selfish right now.

I don’t want to walk into this church. I don’t want to put on a fake smile and pretend I’m doing fine.

I want to scream and cry and I want someone to hold me. I want someone to love me. I want someone to make this okay.

As someone said to me before…ive gotten used to functioning not okay. And that’s not okay. For different reasons we are both hurting. We are all hurting for various reasons. Why can’t we be there for each other.

So I shall fight another anxiety attack

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