Today was another bad day. Well it started with yesterday. Every time that I feel like I make progress and get out of this pain and battle, the stronger it seems to come back. The more I feel it trying to fight to bring me back in.
Yesterday and today, I have concluded that I have had anxiety attacks. As much as I think there was a bug going around or that I got sun poisoning, I think there is an element of anxiety to this. It caused me to sit in my house. It caused me to shut down. I don’t do well with being sick. I hate to get to that point but I realized that I wasn’t taking care of myself…again.
Part of the panicking came from not getting a job that I wanted. Part came from my mom’s health and the lack of a relationship that we have. Part came from being in love with a man who can’t love me back. Part of it is my fear of not being enough. Part of it is knowing that there is more and that it’s time for me to experience more. Many things are going into the anxiety. Some is rational and some is very clearly not. I literally couldn’t breathe or sleep at one point last night. My heart was going crazy.
Today it did the same thing and all because of how a conversation went. I think I have made myself physically sick again. Then my boss let me know that I wasn’t meeting expectations and that she noted something was off with me. That I wasn’t myself. She asked what was wrong and what she could do.
How do I explain that I struggle with anxiety and depression? Why is that such a hard thing to talk to people about? Why is there a stigma attached to it? I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it. Why is it every time that I let people in, and tell them about it, they back off and leave? No wonder we who struggle with it feel like we have to fight our own battles.
Funny thing is, I talked to a stranger about it today. I have had other people talk to me about their difficulties with it. It’s a hard thing to accept that I struggle with it. But I am weak and inadequate. I don’t say that in the Christian sense where I am trying to be humble and meek but I say this from a really real place of how I feel about myself.
I have my moments where I am doing well and I’m like Jesus let’s do this. You and me. There was a reason why I didn’t get that job. There is a reason why I am not with the man that I love. There is a reason why I’m not close to my mom. There is a reason why I don’t have many friends. There is a reason…but then I freak out. I panic. I know that fear in this sense is not of God.
Honestly, all I want is to do what the Lord wants me to do. I want to be close to him. I want to rely on him. I want to worship him. I want to honor him. And maybe part of that is me sharing the pain and hurt that I go through every day. I know some people talk about their anxiety and depression as something in the past. It’s not my past. It’s my present. It’s something I’m daily living with.
Every day that I wake up and make it through, is a good day. It was a success. If the Lord uses me in someone’s life, all the better. Praise the Lord that he showed up big for me today, with the most unexpected of people. They don’t even know what they did today. They don’t know how the Lord used them. It encourages me to keep talking and sharing and opening up to other people like me and not like me.
I refuse to let this control my whole life. I will let the Lord use this in whatever way he may. There is a reason for this….there has to be. It can’t not have a purpose.