Writing has quickly become my therapy. It’s one of the first things that I want to do when I get in my feelings. It’s annoying because I sit in front of a computer all day at work so sometimes sitting in front of the computer for a few hours after work is the last thing that I want to do. But it is what I need. It’s how I have learned to process and to cope. It’s a defense. I can hide behind these written words.
Though it’s therapy, I realize it is also fear. If I write these things out for others to read, that means that I don’t necessarily need to speak them and tell them to anyone face-to-face. Truth is that would probably be an even better therapy for me. It would probably help me to handle things better.
The thing is, I don’t tell people about this blog. Again fear and protection. It’s the one way that I do take care of myself to some extent, except that I know it’s important for me to share my story. I need to talk about what I have been through. It’s time for me to open my mouth and trust the words that I can and need to say.
I need to process through what I have gone through and how I feel in order to do what I need to do. I needed this last chapter to enter into a new chapter. That’s what today was for. I needed to feel super low again to realize that it’s not me and it’s not just about me. It’s about so much more. There is a reason and there is a purpose. Yes it hurts like hell but you know what, I can truly weep and feel with those who experience pains like this. I can relate to them in a way that I couldn’t before.
No more I cant’s and it’s too much. I’m declaring that and going to keep taking steps to make that happen. I’m not giving into the night and letting this overtake me. I’m going to keep walking this out. Me and Jesus. We will do this. He hasn’t let me down yet. He can help me with this. He is already working it out. He is opening the doors that need to be opened and closing those that need to be closed. As painful and difficult as they may be. There is more. He is using me and he will continue to use me and will continue to provide me with people who love me.
I realized that I hung on to the conversation today and didn’t accept the fact that people demonstrated love. They spoke my love language. They tried to make me happy and I focused on the negative because one tiny part of it didn’t go my way. There is the irrational taking control.
I gave a devotional about loving others and how I don’t easily accept love and I did today. I was mad because I didn’t get to love on people the way that I wanted to. Instead someone gave me coffee, someone bought me lunch, where I wanted to eat, not where they wanted. Instead of seeing that, I saw the negative things. Wow!!! I let myself get sucked into that and getting jealous about other things. How blessed was I today by these little things and I missed out, after just a moment. I freaked out and felt like they didn’t care and that they didn’t mean it and that I can’t trust them. Funny thing is I know that these people struggle with anxiety and depression too.
Welcome to a reality check for me. I am beyond thankful for these people in my life and for them taking the chance to love on me. I am thankful that God chose them to do this. And I just realized…someone let me borrow a book. What in the world am I complaining about?I am surrounded by people who had no idea what the world was going on in my head today and showed me love.
Tomorrow I will pass on this love to someone else and try to meet them where they are at, instead of getting caught up in myself again. As much as I am learning the importance of taking care of myself, I need to take care of others. My devotional I shared today blessed me and I completely missed that he was trying to show me this in multiple ways today. I saw the coffee and missed the other things.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will choose to look at the day differently.