I have to confess that I got caught up living life again. I was firmly believing in Esther 4:14 and was keeping myself super busy and involved in everything. I was not making time for my writing, which turns out is something this actually super essential for my not having my panic and anxiety attacks. Good news is I hadn’t had one for a long time…came close but have been prevented. Until today….
I let myself get down on myself and a certain situation again. It is a trigger that I know all too well and have been trying to fight for some time. However, Saturday she came in with a ferocity that I tried to stand up to on my own and failed. I failed because I tried to do it on my own. I didn’t seek the Lord in the situation or turn to the things that I know help get me out of my funks. I gave in. I let myself fall into it and have lost two days because of it.
I shut down. I couldn’t see anyone, didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was consumed by running this situation over and over and over again in my mind. Then having irrational thoughts connecting it to things that were not connected at all. Causing drama out of something that was not really that dramatic. I made a mountain out of a mole hill. Even today when I got some clarity, I kept freaking out and over analyzing and got myself so worked up again. I made myself sick. Worrying kills me…it literally kills me. One of these days I’ll probably give myself an ulcer. I’m surprised that I haven’t yet.
The thing that I know about it being this bad…is that there is something really good that is trying to break through. There is something really great that is about to happen that this darkness is trying to keep me from…it’s trying to keep me from experiencing it. It’s making me feel like I am not a good person…that I am not good enough…that I don’t deserve it…that I don’t care…that I don’t matter…that I’m never going to match up.
I know these thoughts and feelings all too well and it kills me because I may have helped to make someone else feel them too, which just feeds into the vicious cycle of negative thoughts in my head.
The running that I have started doing helps. I’m training for a half marathon. But this writing thing has become my real source of relief, aside from talking to Jesus. I honestly don’t think I would be alive anymore. I would’ve given up a long time ago but he hasn’t given up on me yet. So I’m doing everything in my power not to give up on him either.
I knew this was going to be a continual battle but I’m not giving in. There is more to this than the past and there is too much ahead to miss out on it. I will not give in to the darkness and that things that are trying to break my spirit and my destiny. I hope that you don’t either. I hope that you share your story and your struggles. I think they are things that we all deal with, we just don’t like to admit it.
The new tattoo I got is my reminder that that I have overcome many struggles including depression, anxiety, and panic before. I will continue on and though I may continue to deal with them, they will not win. I will take care of myself and not give in and I will let others know that they are not alone in this struggle.
I’m going to admit my struggles. I’m not ashamed to hide them. Not anymore. I fail all the time in my walk with Christ, as a friend, as a daughter, as a roommate, as a co-worker, as an employee, as a neighbor, as a human. But here is the thing we all do. We all need to forgive ourselves and not destroy ourselves every time that we do fail. We have to forgive others when they hurt us and we have to forgive ourselves when we hurt other others and ask that they forgive us. We have to do better and try better and have compassion on ourselves and one another.