As I am sitting here in this coffee shop writing this. I am kicking myself for letting my fear get in the way. I came here with a particular purpose in mind. I was set that I was going to do it and then I let my fear get in the way. I came out tonight to be part of something that I feel is super interesting and something that I am believing in. But I don’t know how to be part of it. And then I wonder if I am supposed to be a part of it or if I need to let it go. If it hasn’t worked by now, should I let it go?
I came tonight because there is an organization and collective that was put together of people who are creative to help others who are creative. Tonight they were doing something in support and awareness of suicide. I tried to come out attend it and listen. Fun fact…the collective is called The Listening. It’s something that we all need to do more of. We need to listen and engage and stop trying to talk over one another. And that’s what I wanted to do tonight. But don’t you know there was a storm that came through. Then my dad called and then…and then…
And then I chickened out and pretended like I didn’t see everyone going back to the other room. Pretended like I didn’t look up the even on Facebook to see that the start time had been pushed back. Pretended like I wasn’t avoiding someone. I didn’t obey. I partially obeyed but not fully and I’m learning that partial is basically not obeying.
I think the Lord did bless me some though, even though I only partially obeyed. I was able to talk to my dad. I was grateful that he called me. Even as a 29 year old woman, I still love my daddy and I will always be his little girl. I got to check in on my brother and pray for him. I got to work on my resume and talk to someone who is helping me to improve it so that I can be right where the Lord has called me to in this next season.
But I’m still hiding. I’m still letting my insecurities get in the way. I am still not doing some of the things that I know that I should do. Why? Because I’m scared. I have let this one person have so much control over my life, it’s ridiculous. I don’t want to step on his toes or get in his way, even though I know that I was supposed to be there and be part of it. I can’t keep letting someone else dictate what I’m doing and where I am going. Because in all honesty it’s not about him. The thing is I could go to the thing tomorrow night, as it’s a three night event. But will I?
I don’t know. It’s easier to run away. It’s so much easier to hide and not deal with it. But honestly suicide and depression and anxiety are real parts of my life. They have been for a long time. It goes all the way back to middle school. Yea there were years where I didn’t deal with it as much. It went dormant. Oh how I wish I could go back to those years, where it didn’t cross my mind. But it does.
It’s different now. I won’t end my life, not anymore. Again part of it comes from the fact that I am quite honestly too scared to do anything. Plus I know that I would destroy my parents. As much as I feel like sometimes it wouldn’t matter if I was gone, I think to them it would. I can’t break their hearts. I don’t have it in me to do it. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t still battle with the dark places in my mind and the very serious hurts and insecurities.
So maybe this was the blessing too, is that I got to write this out tonight and share this with someone else. But I think I was supposed to experience things in person tonight and I missed out on it. Maybe next time I’ll get over myself and do what I am supposed to do.