It would make sense for me to be happy right now, sitting in this beautiful apartment, that I pay for with a roommate, on this nice furniture that I have acquired on my own. There is a nice tv, we have cable, internet, roku, air conditioning, laptops, kindles, iphones, etc. And I can pay for this all on my own. I do have a roommate who helps with the rent but it’s not a bad place to live. I have been able to decorate it and we have electric and running water. I have a nice balcony and two fur babies.
It sounds great and it is great. It’s more than what I had when I finished college. I am blessed beyond belief with all these things. I remember I literally stole a blow up air mattress from my parent’s house to sleep on. I was so determined to make it on my own, without too much help from my parents. (They definitely helped me along the way.) I really can’t say that I have done all this on my own.
I had been living with my friend’s parents while I did my student teaching and wanted to go out on my own. I didn’t want to live with parents anymore. I was stubborn and didn’t want to go home but didn’t quite want to grow up either. So someone who had lived across the hall from me the one year told me that she had a house with another girl and said I could move in. I jumped at the chance. I went home for Christmas, not telling my parents that I had moved out of my friend’s house but just that I was going back to Lynchburg to try and make it work.
I moved into a house where we did not have heat for the first couple months. We had oil heat and it was expensive. The girls didn’t want to pay for it until we had two more people living in the house. So I got a space heater, again, I am pretty sure that I got that from my parent’s house too. I remember darting from my room to the bathroom to the other girls’ rooms, as we each had a space heater. It’s a wonder that our pipes didn’t burst. It was a miserable winter and it was literally like 52 in the house. I remember vividly seeing that on the thermostat and watching my breath on more than one occasion. There is a lot more that happened in that house but that’ll be for another time.
I moved several times since then and have been in this particular apartment for 4 years. It’s beautiful really, vaulted ceilings, a huge walk in closet, and garden tub. It blows my mind pretty much every day that I am blessed to live in this place with so much square footage and so many things.
Something seems to be off. Something isn’t quite right. While I have this beautiful space, that has truly become home to me, as I can relax and unwind after a long day, something is missing. And it’s not just in this place. It’s something in my life. I am blessed beyond words with what I have, I really truly am and I know that even as I reflect back on the past few years and what the Lord has provided for me. Words can’t express how truly grateful I am and alas I am not completely happy.
There is a shift that has happened in the past bit, and I say bit because I cannot exactly pinpoint where this shift happened. And I honestly want more, not more stuff. I actually want to get rid of some of the things. I have a closet full of things that I don’t wear because I forget that I have them.
I want more to my life. I’m just not quite sure what the means or what that looks like. So I wait and see what that means and trust that the Lord does have more. He has to have more in store. And I want to honestly be open to whatever that more is…as terrifying as it may be.