As my friends sit here and move into what seems to be the next logical phase of life in most people’s minds, I seem to still be stuck in the current phase. Some look down on this phase of life that I am in. Some are confused as to why I am still in this phase…as am I in all honesty. Because for me I thought I was moving on to the next phase but then my world was turned upside down and the rug pulled out from under me. Now I’m confused as to what the next phase is or if I even want to let myself be that vulnerable again.
I am so happy for those around me who are finding someone to date and marry. What a blessing it is to have someone to walk with through life and do things with. It’s wonderful to have someone to support you and push you and love you. I long to have someone like that in my life. I thought I did have someone like that in my life. But alas again I do not…I had it briefly and so I do wish that everyone gets to experience that. I hope you find someone that you can truly trust and be vulnerable with. It’s such a beautiful thing and hurts so miserably when it’s stripped away.
I am so happy for my friends who are having these adorable children and learning how to adjust to being parents. What a new challenge that will be and what a blessing that is. Whether they are learning to be a single parent or have a spouse to be a parent with. I am beyond excited to see how they all grow and learn together. Families are beautiful.
Each of these phases or what would probably be logical next phases for someone my age are things that I long for and see other people having. However, this is not where I am at in my life. In my life I am still the single girl with a roommate and a cat.
I’m still going through heartache and heartbreak, after finally allowing my walls to go down. I’m still learning what this whole thing means. I’m still trusting the Lord’s plan and purpose. I’ve seen how it’s allowed him to grow. I’ve seen how he’s been able to move past it. I’ve seen how he’s been able to separate from it and move on with his life. I’ve seen how he’s been able to distract himself and move on with new ventures and pursuing his dreams.
Why does it seem like I cannot do the same thing? Why does it feel like I am often still spinning my wheels and stuck in place and pining after someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with me? Why do I feel crazy? Why do I break down when I see him? Why do I keep replaying all the happy memories in my mind? Why have I kept my walls down this time?
Is that all he was supposed to be here for? To introduce me to this amazing church and break down my walls? Why does he have to ignore me? Why does it take everything in me to not talk to him and attempt to ignore him back…especially when it seems like the easiest thing for him. All these thoughts constantly running through my head.
And then the questions and assumptions that come from other people about why I’m not in this next phase. Why I’m my age and not married and having children. I’ll tell you why…it’s because I am in love with someone who is not in love with me. When I commit, I commit. When I fall in love it’s for real. I will do whatever I need to to not let go. I won’t give up because I believe it’s true. I won’t walk away just because it’s tough.
So I wish people would stop the wondering why I’m single and also realize too that this means that I don’t settle and that when I date someone or fall in love it’s the real deal. Why? Because I don’t want to get divorced from someone after a few years. I also don’t think that me being single makes me any less of a person. We put this stigma, especially in Christian culture, of people being single. Yes I am the last of my group of friend from church growing up who is still single. But why does that make me less of a success? I’m no less of a person just because I don’t have someone. I want a someone. I just want a certain someone. I don’t want to settle for someone who isn’t going to be there and support me the way that I will them.
Honestly I am happy with who I am. And I think that is what makes this love thing tough. I know what I deserve and what I want. I know who I am and I’m happy with me. Honestly I probably could be fine on my own. I’ve been fine on my own. God has provided for me. I have all that I need but I know that he has more for me. And it hurts when the person that I love doesn’t see all of this in me. I think he did at one point, otherwise all of this was a lie. I still see it in myself and I see in him more than he sees in him.
Love is such a painful and wonderful thing. It’s something I think about constantly and want to run away from at every turn. I don’t want to listen to love songs or break up songs even. I just want to listen to songs about God’s love for me and my love for God. I am thankful to understand partially what his unconditional love is and be able to demonstrate that even fractionally myself.
There’s my lesson for today. Unconditional love. No matter how that man treats me or what he has done in his past. I will forever and always love him. He can’t change that. He can try and ignore it and deny it and say it isn’t true. Like we often do of the Lord but it’s real and it’s there and it’s not changing. I understand a little bit more now what Jesus feels for with us in this regard.
No matter what I do, Jesus is never going to stop loving me. No matter how many times I fail, no matter how many times I ignore him, no matter how many times I put him second, no matter how many times I put him in a box, etc his love for me never changes and he loves me in spite of all my faults. I’ve learned this is how I need to love and how I want to love. It is how I love. It’s how love is supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be conditional. If it’s conditional is it really love?
I’m going to keep figuring out this thing called love and keep going through this thing called life with Jesus by my side!